Today

Don't know why I thought of my bro when I was listening to a sermon on the bus. Suddenly recall how he used to bully me when I was growing up. I recalled how my nose bleed when he punched me on the nose once when I was 11 yrs ago, how he punched me on the stomach when I was 13 yrs old.

I realy really hate him when I was young. Seriously I hate him, feared him. But an incident happen when I was 12 yrs ago, that make me realise I still love him, that blood is thicker than water. Well after his NS, his temper sort of control. I used to remember him saying girls shouldn't study so much. You know that kind of MCP. Now my sis and I have the last laught. Who did he go to when he needed financial aid, when he needed help with his family .

Well the childhood incidents taught me to be strong, never to cry, drop my tears infront of him. It just pleases him that I cry, so I learn to hold back my tears. Even if I cry it would be in my blankets and pillows when no one is looking.

I know this is a false front that I am putting up. Cos when I am alone watching even a carton I can cry, I remember once I was watching this cartoon, I just cry when I see the poor baby Elephant's mother was shot dead. When I sympathise with the person in the dramas/movies that I watch I will tear too.

Once this guy ask me: "Am you always that strong as you show others? This question strike me, really strike me. I didn't answer him, cos I know the answer is No I am not, I am weak. This guy is really observant, of cos at that time I didn't know he was interested in me then. Anyway by the time the blockhead of me realise, its kind of late. Anyway we just won't be together cos we are just of different values and faith and ..... and I am happy that he is now happily married.

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Was kind of feeling unbalance today too. SMS K and tell her I wanted to tell her something yesterday and she replied what I wanted to tell her. So its not only me who feel it this way. hmmm I know I shouldn't feel this way but just can't help feeling this way.

Have you ever had the feeling that what you do is not appreciated, and why did other people just seem to have the advantage of everything without doing any hard work. Why did other just simply have a easier life than you, its like they are being blessed with everything. All they did to do is being pretty, sweet talker, don't have to have sound technical skills.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I am afterall human flesh. Just can't help but to feel unbalanced. XW, if you are reading this, its just addtional things on top of what I told you last friday, something more happen.

Ah sometimes can't help but to ask God, why are you doing this to me. Why is she not even a believer and getting all the benefits, what about me ?
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I think I better go and get my gastric medicine tomorrow. I suppose to go down to get a long time ago but never go..............