Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I am not that strong

A fren say that I came across as a strong lady and would need a man with lots of TLC.

That statement strikes me deep in my heart. I am not that strong really.   All this are false front. I guess its probably the environment that I grew up with. I think I wasn't really a happy kid when I grew up. My brother always bully me, call me ugly nick names, make me cry, laughing at me when I cry.

Slowly as I grew up I tell myself don't cry, then he won't be able to laugh at me, he would have no fun at all. Kind of did help i think.. I remembered at one moment I dislike my brother especially after he went into secondary school.. His temper is horrible and always throwing temper at the family. And I think my character was probably build up from there,  I always defied him, I am the only one to retaliate, always arguing back.  Mum always say I iron teeth. One of the days he actually punch my nose till I bleed.  Did my mum punish him, I think she only scolded him but never puNish.., I wonder what if its the oppsite way. I guess I would have been punished.   (Not jealous, bur rather I have come to accept the fact that mum always dote on this only son even up till now despite whatever he do. Well the lord knows our heart and that is good enough)

Pls don't say I am mean for disliking my brother. If you have such a brother I am sure you would. Sometimes he make you feel so miserable until u feel like you don't want to live in this world. Ok maybe I read too much those sad stories and turn permissitc but this does leave serious impact on your life.  one incident happen when I was in P6, and i realise I do actually love him. Blood is perhaps still thicker than water. However up till when I go into sec school, he is still bullying me.

I do not like him saying things like Girls dont need to study so hard, boi eng.. balalblablablaba.   that is how mean he is. 

Thank the lord that afer his NS and after he gone into working life, he kind of tone down. Our relationship improve. Of cos at times I still quarrel with him occassionarily when he is unreasonable. Mum again always side him , saying I am rude to him infront of my SIL.  One day I tell my mother straight in the face, look at who is right or wrong.  My sisters all stand at my side, saying I am innocent :)  some months ago, when my mother scolded me agian over my bro (I can't remember what is the cause of that quarrel, and I also can't be bother to remmebr), I just blurt out some stuff.   Well I think sometimes its right to let her know certain stuff else she will forever think the son is the greatest.

I feel like telling my mum at times: "Can you please open your eyes and  touch your heart. Who takes care of you, who was the one who brought you to doctor,  who brings you out to tour, who paid for your tours. Who give you $$$, Who is the one who always come  and xxxxxx "

If ever I am married and have kids I won't allow that to happen. This is such bad imapct to a kid's development. .

My brother is not that nasty now, afterall he has settle down with kids. Of cos no one is perfect we got to learn to accept this fact and to accept the imperfectons. 包容和宽恕是很重要的.   I do not have space for hatred too :). Our life is already short enough so learn to love all your neighbours and brothers and sisters and enemies.

As for me, I am just me. I will still not cry infront of you, but will secretly find somewhere to hid and cry. Only exception is when i am watching shows.

Think my friend is right I needs lot of tender loving care.  Who can I find? I can only find in my lala land with Jesus  for now  or maybe forever  it will be like this..   I really do not have answers for this..

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